This is a hoot – tiz ridiculous and about as stupid as the soon to be enforced Carbon Dioxide Tax we are all going to suffer under.
Agnes is our Agony Aunt.
I AM writing to you in the hope you can help dispel some of the rumours and mistruths surrounding my carbon tax.
(Sorry, not tax, that’s what I said we weren’t going to have. Ahhh, our carbon bonanza. That’s right, bonanza.)
On Sunday I introduced a comprehensive package of assistance to voters. Unfortunately, many voters launched a comprehensive package of resistance to me at the same time.
It really has me confused.
When I arrived at the airport on Sunday, a group of young girls suddenly yelled “It’s Lady Ga Ga” and began to scream and run.
I naturally presumed they were referring to me, because I feel ga ga trying to make sense of all this nonsense … , err, my tax, sorry, bonanza.
Alas, the fuss was over a young woman with blue hair wearing three-metre heels and a bra as kneepads.
But on to those wicked carbon myths doing the rounds.
Myth 1: The closure of Hazelwood will lead to a shortage of hazel nuts.
Wrong. We may have no power, but there will be no shortage of nuts. Particularly in Canberra.
Myth 2: Cadel Evans will have his carbon-fibre bicycle confiscated when he returns to Australia.
This will only occur if he fails to win the Tour.
Myth 3: Fettuccine carbonara will be banned from menus. Heavens, the Italians are against me because they fear I will tax the carbon in their carbonara. Mama mia, there’s no way I’d do that.
Myth 4: Each time you carbon copy someone in an email, you will have to pay $23.
That’s absurd. How could we police this one, particularly when people use the “blind CC” field? Gee that’s sneaky.
Myth 5: The Carbon Farming Initiative means farmers will grow carbon.
No, no, that’s plain silly. We want farmers to put carbon in the ground. That’s why all Australian farmers will soon receive a shovel and a butterfly net. They will simply catch the carbon in the net, dig a hole and bury it.
I don’t know how I can be any clearer about all this?
You’re confused?! I’ve spent the past year trying to find out where I could buy a carbon sink to put in my kitchen.
It is said a problem shared is a problem halved.
So if you can sort out your message and share it with us, the problem will be divided by 20 million.
And, in my book, that is no longer a problem worth worrying about.